Most of us have heard of FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out. It’s a hazard of being a woman who is curious, who loves learning new things, who wants to stay current and not fall behind in work or in life. I know many women who “suffer from” FOMO. And I’ll include myself in that group!
When I see an unfamiliar gadget or hear about a new course or workshop that sounds as if it might be fun or interesting or useful, I want to find out more. Do I have time to add one more thing to my already full calendar? In that moment, it doesn’t matter. Do I need yet another shiny new technological toy that I probably won’t be able to figure out? What difference does that make?! This time will be different. Does this sound familiar? Welcome to FOMO!
What is FOBLO?
Some time ago I started wondering how often an “attack” of FOMO is actually FOBLO instead. What is FOBLO? It is the Fear of Being Left Out, which I suspect is much more common than we realize. Why? Well, the fear of missing out sounds pretty positive. Here is a curious woman who wants to explore new things. Whereas the fear of being left out suggests a needy woman whom others often ignore and don’t want to include. Ouch.
Where does this fear come from? I suspect, like many deep-seated patterns, it begins in childhood. Perhaps one was very different from the others in the family. Or maybe there were many siblings and it was hard to get noticed. Or maybe there was a time when the rest of the family went away to do something and, for whatever reason, one little girl was left behind with the grandparents. Whatever the cause, this feeling of being left out was significant enough to the small child to make a lasting imprint.
And then there’s school and the perils of trying to belong to whatever group appears to be the most desirable. For some children the joining and belonging seems to go fairly smoothly. But not for everyone. There can be days, or even years and years, when a child doesn’t feel part of any group, let alone a preferred group.
Growing Up
Often as one matures and develops important social skills, being an accepted part of a group—whether it’s a strictly social group, a group at work, or an organization one joins—usually stops being a problem. But the fear of that terrible feeling of being left out still may be there, just waiting for an opportunity to surface.
Why is this important as we get older? For some women, making friends gets harder and harder as the years go by. There are many possible reasons for this, but the outcome may be an increasing feeling of isolation. We know that social contact is one of the primary factors that keeps us healthy and happy as we age. So, both from a desire to avoid feeling lonely and in order to stay healthy, we will want to be with other people, to feel part of a group, to not feel left out.
Recognizing Patterns
But it is important that those fears do not cause us to join groups that we really aren’t interested in or stay with friends and groups long after we should have moved on. As with many things, becoming aware of a FOBLO pattern is the first step in dealing with it. When you think about the different groups you’re in, do any feel as if they’re no longer particularly fun or enjoyable? Have you thought of something new you would like to explore but hesitate because your current friends don’t seem interested in it?
Does anything in this post feel familiar? If so, good for you for recognizing it! That is the first step in not letting the fear guide your behavior. The next step might be to see if you can figure out where and why the pattern developed. If it was in childhood, remind yourself that you are no longer that child. You are a successful adult woman who has navigated many good and bad times, and now are very capable of thriving in all situations you face.
If anyone has any comments or suggestions, please post them so we can all benefit from your experience, understanding, and wisdom.
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