In her book Radiant Rebellion: Reclaim Aging, Practice Joy, and Raise a Little Hell, Karen Walrond recounts the day a friend named Laura, whom she had not seen for some time, came to visit. Laura said emphatically that Karen looked good and asked what had happened. This was the conversation that ensued:
“I realized that what I was seeing in the mirror wasn’t so much that I was aging,” I explained, “as—”
“As your pilot light went out,” she finished for me, nodding.
My eyes widened. “Yes,” I breathed. “That’s exactly it. My pilot light had gone out. And I’ve been focusing on getting it relit.”
Sound Familiar?
Have you ever felt that way? That, all of a sudden, you’re just flat. . .no energy. . .not interested . . .everything feels like a struggle? The feeling probably has been coming on for some time, but suddenly it’s whap! Who cares?
If you have experienced that, what did you do about it? Or is it still with you? For Karen the underlying cause was stress. And who isn’t feeling some level of stress these days? You might be stressed over the state of the world and of the United States if that’s where you live. Or over the ever-present dangers of climate change. The constantly mutating viruses for which we have no vaccines. The problems of homelessness and of drug abuse. Not to mention our own personal stresses: a business that seems to be floundering for no apparent reason; children of any age whose lives are not going the way we’d hoped; important relationships that are tense because of all the unknowns.
Is This It?
There are, of course, other reasons why one might feel her pilot light has gone out. For many women in their late forties, fifties, and sixties there’s the feeling of, “Is this it? What’s next?” Where what you’ve done and who you’ve been just aren’t enough any longer. For some women this feeling may be exhilarating, but for many it’s terrifying. I experienced it at fifty, and it was very scary. I wouldn’t have described it then as my pilot light going out, but in retrospect that’s exactly how it felt.
If any of this sounds familiar, what should you do? When Karen Walrond became aware of how she was feeling, she relit her flame through self-care: eating well, drinking lots of water, exercising, journaling, etc. What could your strategy be?
Change It!
The first step is to be willing to recognize that things aren’t the way you want them to be. It doesn’t matter if it looks to others as if you have a lot going for you. Even if you do, it simply is no longer right for where you are in your life now. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to blow everything up and start with a blank slate. You can begin by looking at every aspect of your life to discover where the dissatisfaction lies or where the major stresses are coming from.
It may be helpful to work with a therapist, a coach, or a friend. (But make sure it’s not a friend who will try to convince you to just be happy with what you have.) Or you may find it most helpful to sit quietly by yourself and write down everything you’re feeling. Some people find they do their best thinking in nature, so taking walks might be the best step forward. Perhaps you’re at a point in your life when you need to get out there and do whatever is really important to you. You will know what’s right for you to do in order to keep your pilot light burning brightly.
Whatever you do, don’t decide “Well, that’s just the way it is” and live with it. I’m reminded of the well-known quotation from “The Summer Day,” a poem by Mary Oliver: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
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