Women Over 55, It’s Time to Toot Your Own Horn. . .Loudly! That is surely not how I was taught, though! How many times growing up were you told “don’t brag,”? Or whatever the words used by the adults in the home where you grew up. I know I was told that over and over. Now as an adult businesswoman, I still find it very difficult to talk about my successes or the things I do well. This may be true for both women and men, but at least when I was growing up, it was particularly true for the girls.
What should women do today?
It is, of course, not good to talk about yourself, your particular talents and achievements excessively. Arrogance is not attractive. But an honest description of what you’ve done that you’re proud of and the many things you have a real knack for doing is not bragging. Particularly for a woman trying to make an impact in the world, it is essential. That way others can decide if this is a woman I’d like to listen to and perhaps join up with.
If, like me, you were constantly told not to brag and now can barely talk about your accomplishments and talents, how can you begin to “relearn” that it’s a good thing to be able to do in some situations? First, know that this is by no means an overnight process. You’re talking about undoing years of training and relearning an entirely new behavior.
How to Relearn “Bragging”
As with many things when you’re trying to make a change or establish a new habit, it’s probably best to start small. Baby steps! When I ask my women coaching clients for one thing they do well, it’s amazing how difficult it is for them to come up with ONE thing! Many of these women are very accomplished women who have had active, creative, contributing lives. The one thing some come up with that they can say fairly comfortably is that they are a good mom. Several also add “well, pretty good,” but at least they get it out.
I find it sad and maddening that as women many of us cannot think of one thing we do well. Let alone talk about it! Where does this come from? It comes from very early training, as mentioned above. But I think throughout our lives it has gotten reinforced. When I was growing up, girls did not “do sports” as they do now. Very few of us developed any sense of being good at something physical. By contrast boys could succeed and stand out. In fact they were encouraged to. As a girl I was encouraged to cheer them on. NOT develop my own skills and tout my own successes.
Is This Changing?
I hope so, but I am not encouraged given the studies that have been done in the past several years that show girls loving math and science until they reach middle school when they “dummy down” in order to be more attractive to boys.
And more attractive literally. Young women still are encouraged to “stand out” by focusing on their physical appearance, specifically their sexiness, and to compete with other girls in this arena. All one has to do is pay attention to any ad for anything connected with sports events. If people are shown doing something, the men will be all sweaty while demonstrating amazing prowess while the women, even if also involved in intense physical activity, will be doing so while showing a significant amount of cleavage and with make-up perfectly intact.
In addition to being a negative model for a girl in the process of developing an image of herself as a strong, effective, powerful woman, it is the beginning of her lessons that when this sexiness and beauty wane, which our culture defines for a woman at about 35, she no longer is worth very much in the world.
Be A Role Model – It’s Time to Toot Your Own Horn
As I tell my coaching clients, it is way past time for this to change. As a woman over 55, you can be the new role model for those 13-year-old girls for what it’s like to be an older woman. You can lead the way by remaining actively engaged in the world, making an important contribution in whatever way you choose. And tooting your own horn loudly for those things you’ve accomplished, for the contributions you’re continuing to make, and for your outstanding skills and talents that have enabled you to be successful in your life so far.
So, right now find paper and pen and write down 10 things you’re really good at. These don’t have to be “big deal” things, although they certainly can be. It may be that you’re really good at researching things on the web. You might be seen as the most committed early morning walker in you neighborhood. In high school you may have learned how to make uncomplicated repairs on your car. You may consistently be the number one sales associate where you work. Whatever it is, YOU are good at it.
Practice What You Preach!
After you’ve done this, go to a mirror. Looking directly at yourself say aloud three of the things you’ve just written down. Do that every day for one week. You might get a friend to do this with you so that after talking to yourselves in the mirror, the next week the two of you can practice looking directly at each other perhaps on Zoom, and taking turns reading the items on your lists. By the end of that second week, you will find it has gotten much easier to strongly and directly say those things you’ve written down, adding any new things that come to mind. Take the time to do this for yourself. You will be very glad you did because It’s Time to Toot Your Own Horn!
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